


HXH Alternate Ending

by BurntToast1648



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Friendship/Love, Other, Rejection, Role Reversal, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:47:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27672227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurntToast1648/pseuds/BurntToast1648
Summary: Reimagining a few things starting at the end of the election arc: Gin completely rejects Gon, throwing him into a spiraling depression. This drives a wedge between Gon & Killua, causing them to part ways. Gon must find a new purpose in his life without Ging. Killua & Alluka are on the run from the Zoldycks. During their separation the boys evaluate their feelings towards each other.... will they reunite????
Relationships: Ging Freecs & Gon Freecs, Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

Part 1:

Ging, though rarely embarrassed, felt his cheeks grow warm. He began to sweat as his child stood before him sobbing. Gon, the son he had not seen in twelve years, had just burst into the auditorium in the middle of the Hunter Association’s general election; interrupting the proceedings and waking Ging from the snooze he had been taking in the front row. Here it was, the moment he had always known would come. The day his son finally found him, the day he would be confronted for his lifelong absence. Though Ging had had over a decade to prepare for this moment, he wasn’t ready. How was he supposed to face this child after all these years? What was he supposed to say? And why must this happen in front of an audience? All eyes were on Ging as Gon stood in front of him, still in his hospital robe, with tears gushing from his eyes. With a red face and a dripping nose he wailed, bawled, and babbled; letting out a frenzied stream of words too rapidly for any of them to understand.

“THENKITE’SARMWASRIPPEDOFFANDKILLUAKNOCKEDMEOUTANDWEWENTBACKTOSAVEHIMBUTHEWASALREADYDEADANDTHEANTSMADEHIMINTOAPUPPETANDI’MSOSORRYITWASALLMYFAULT...”. Ants? Puppets? What on earth was this boy talking about?

“Um... uh... don’t say that, kid. It wasn’t your fault... um... I’m sure Kite knew what he was getting into.” For the first time since he had laid eyes on Ging, Gon stopped talking. He wiped his eyes and sniffled loudly.

“You mean it?”

“Um sure,” said Ging. The crowd let out a loud groan. Calls of ‘Is that the best you can do!?’, ‘Ging you asshole! Give the kid a hug!’, and the like were thrown out around the room. _Oh God_ , Ging thought to himself. He had no idea how to handle a child. He had expected that at twelve years old, especially after passing the hunter’s exam, the boy would be more mature. But here he was, having an infantile meltdown. Parental consolation was obviously what he needed, but Ging had none to give.

After a few more half hearted mumbles of reassurance from Ging, Gon settled down. Leorio took his hand and led him out to the lobby to wait with Morel for the election proceedings to conclude. “I finally found him Leorio! He looks exactly like the pictures Aunt Mito showed me, but he’s much taller than I thought he’d be!” Gon said, his excitement apparent even as stray tears continued to roll down his cheeks.

“That’s great buddy.” Leorio replied cautiously. Leorio knew that Ging was none too pleased to meet Gon; it was plain to see from his less than enthusiastic demeanor. Ging’s refusal to visit Gon in the hospital weighed heavily on his mind as well. Not wanting to spoil the happy moment for Gon, but not wanting him to get his hopes up too high either, Leorio was unsure of what to say. “I don’t think you should-”

“I bet he has all kinds of stories from all his years as a hunter!” Gon interrupted. “Maybe he’ll show me his Nen abilities! I wonder if he’s an enhancer like me!”

“Maybe...” Leorio said quietly. Unable to look at Gon’s delighted face, he stared at the floor, silently hoping that this long awaited reunion would not be a disappointment. As time went by, Gon grew increasingly tired. It was clear from his drooping eyes that the boy was completely worn out, but his excitement never wavered. Finally the auditorium doors opened and the crowd flowed out. Gon looked expectantly at the sea of hunters, eyes peeled for any sign of his father. Then he spotted him, a tall slim figure wrapped in a tattered scarf, heading for the exit. Gon jumped from his seat and raced towards him. Despite his fatigue, Gon managed to sprint at an exceptional pace. Weaving through the crowd and sliding in his hospital slippers, he made his way to Ging.

“Ging! Ging!” He yelled. Ging paused, his hand already on the door handle. _So close_ , he thought. Reluctantly, he turned around. Looking down into Gon’s wide brown eyes, so innocent and expectant, he felt a pang of guilt. He had walked out of this boy’s life without a second thought. _How can he be so keen to meet me after being abandoned like that?_ He wondered. Ging was conflicted, he knew that in that moment he had to make a choice, but he hadn’t yet decided which path to take. The boy was clearly eager for a talk, perhaps more. Would it be possible for them to bond? From what he’d heard, the boy was smart and well liked, and his skills were impressive. Ging supposed he could get along with a son like that. On the other hand, he had gotten this far without Ging in his life. It was clear that Mito had done a good job with him, _so what does he need from me_? Maybe he would be a bad influence on the boy, he was a deadbeat after all.

Although it pained him to dampen Gon’s enthusiasm, Ging’s shame got the better of him. “Look... I hate to say it, but I’m a busy man. I... um.. I have a lot of plans and um.. goals at the moment and ... uh. I don’t think I’ll be able to really... spend any time with you now, or in the future.” _Yes, it’s for the best_ , Ging thought, _I’m not a dad_. “Good to meet you though, and uuh, well, I’m glad you’re feeling ok. I heard you were in pretty rough shape.” And with that, Ging left; rushing out the door to avoid seeing the disappointment he’d surely caused. Feeling cruel for abandoning the child a second time, Ging reassured himself, _I know where I’m going and I can’t take him with me. The Dark Continent is far too dangerous for a child. I was going to leave eventually, it’s better not to let him get attached._

Part 2

Gon did not say a word as Morel and Leorio escorted him back to the hospital. He had been released temporarily to try and meet Ging at the election, but the doctors insisted that he remain in the hospital’s care for another two weeks at least. Although Alluka had restored his body to a healthy state, he was still suffering the effects of extreme exhaustion. His doctors were also concerned about his mental wellbeing, and it was agreed that he should continue to rest and be monitored until he returned to a stable condition.

After Ging’s rejection though, Gon’s mental state declined even further. His usual happy-go-lucky attitude vanished, he barely ate, and on his daily walks even his gait seemed somber. Disturbed by this change, Leorio rarely left the hospital. He had begun living off vending machine snacks and sleeping on the plastic chairs in the waiting room. He worried constantly about Gon and tried his best to comfort him; holding his hands, patting his head while he slept, and recounting stories of their adventures during the hunter’s exam and the good times they’d shared in York New City. Occasionally Gon would reciprocate, sharing stories of his own. However, genocidal ants, reanimated corpses, and vengeance-fueled suicide missions were common themes. Gon’s deadpan delivery of these horrific tales made Leorio sick to his stomach. So he only visited Gon’s room for an hour or so each day; it was all he could take.

It was difficult for Killua to visit Gon as well. When Gon first arrived at the hospital Killua had spent every day by his side. He'd sat by Gon’s bed; completely still and completely silent. He was so paralyzed by the fear of losing him that he couldn’t even shed a tear. All he could do was sit and stare. After Alluka revived Gon however, that fear turned into anger.

Of course he was relieved that his friend’s life had been spared, but he also found himself harboring a strong sense of rage. He did not understand this feeling. The other emotions made sense to him; he felt a potent mix of regret, relief, sadness, and worry. All of these swirled through him ferociously, intermingling with the intense care he had for Gon, but there was always that undercurrent of rage. He was frustrated with Gon for overextending himself nearly to death. Though, it also felt wrong to fault Gon for that, because if he hadn’t summoned such a great amount of aura, he certainly would have died fighting Pitou anyway. This idea made Killua’s blood boil. He was fed up with Gon's recklessness. Throughout their time together he had tried his best to look after him, but time and time again Gon ran headlong into danger. He was driven by his temper, never thought things through, and lacked any regard for his own safety. Protecting him had been exhausting and endlessly stressful. But Killua did not realize any of this, all he knew was that he was caught up in an emotional hurricane and he was deeply hurt.

Gon had other visitors, but he seemed indifferent to all of them. He had developed a habit of spontaneously bursting into tears or fits of rage, but apart from that, he treated everyone to a cold vacant expression. When he wasn’t yelling, his voice was monotone and very quiet. He was allowed out for a walk around the hospital grounds each afternoon, but he spent the rest of his time napping or counting the ceiling tiles above his bed. So the days passed by, each much the same as the next. The only thing he seemed to enjoy was playing with Alluka, but other than that, his carefree spirit was nowhere to be found.

“No one can beat me at rock, paper, scissors,” Gon boasted. Killua groaned sarcastically. Alluka giggled.

“Prove it!” she said, as she threw her hand down flat. “Ha! Gotcha!” she exclaimed happily before placing her hand gently atop his balled up fist. “Again!” she demanded.

“Ok, ja-”

“Mr. Freecs,” a nurse popped her head into the room, “there’s a call for you. It’s your aunt Mito,” she said sweetly, offering him the phone. Gon froze. This was the first time Aunt Mito had called since his encounter with Ging, and he was not ready to talk about it. He was still grieving the unceremonious death of his childhood dream. Meeting his dad. The motivation that had instigated the entire series of events leading up to him sitting in this hospital bed; which had all been for nothing. Disappointment took a firm grip on his heart in that moment. Embarrassment quickly followed; after all the time, all the effort, all the years of anticipation.... _I’m a busy man_.

“I DON’T WANNA TALK TO HER I DON’T CARE!” Gon yelled, stunning the nurse and his friends. He was surprised at himself as well, but he was brimming with emotions more powerful than he could handle, and they were exploding from him of their own accord.

“But... but Mr. Freecs, she’s concerned.”

“I DON’T CARE I DON’T CARE. I HATE HER!” angry tears started rolling down Gon’s face. His vision blurred and he felt a lifetime’s shattered fantasies slice his heart like broken glass. In his anguish he became irrational, “I HATE HER FOR BEING RELATED TO HIM!” he screamed, before breaking down into uncontrollable sobs.

Killua ran towards Gon with his arms outstretched, but did not give the comforting pat on the back that he was going for. Instead he stopped about a foot away from the bed, suddenly shy to touch him. “You mean your dad?” he asked hesitantly.

“But you’re also re-” Alluka began. Killua caught her eye and shook his head. There’s no reasoning with him when he gets emotional.

“But Mr. Freecs-”

“WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

“Just give her to the tall guy in the waiting room,” Killua told the nurse, “the one with the glasses. He’ll fill her in.” And with that, the bewildered nurse scurried out the door. Killua surveyed Gon apprehensively. He’d always been a spitfire, but to speak about his aunt that way seemed very out of character. Gon’s recent mood swings and depression had become so severe that Killua began to wonder, _is his cheerful old self even in there anymore_?

That night, Gon laid in bed replaying his own words in his mind. _I hate her_. He felt so guilty for saying it, and what’s worse is that he felt certain she could hear him over the phone. He squeezed his eyes shut and inhaled deeply. He was tired of being stuck in the hospital. He was exhausted and bitter. He was mad at himself for devoting his life to the search for one man. One man who had always known where to find him, but had always chosen not to. A man Aunt Mito had spoken of so fondly. His resentment was mounting.

He was yearning for a warm hug, but not from Aunt Mito. Not from his father’s cousin. Not from the woman who’d told him such exciting stories about Ging. Gon felt a tightness in his chest. He loved Aunt Mito, but it was painful, because at that point in time she reminded him of everything he didn’t have. As he lay alone in the dark Gon felt, for the first time in his life, that he needed his mother.

Part 3

It was quiet in the hotel restaurant. In the lull between typical lunch and dinner hours, there was only one table occupied. Palm’s fork scraped against her plate as she pushed around her last few crumbs. Leaning back in his chair, cradling a steaming mug of tea in his hands, Killua watched Alluka from across the table. He could just barely see her smiling face over the stack of empty dishes between them. She was pressing her arms against Ikalgo’s tentacles, absolutely delighted when the suction cups prevented her from pulling away. Ikalgo laughed with her fondly. He used his other arms to suction an assortment of cups, forks, and spoons; dangling them playfully over her head. Alluka was beaming. “What about this Alluka, ‘stunning waterfalls and world class views from the island’s many lush mountains’?” Killua asked. 

“I don’t know, Big Brother,” Alluka replied, “We have mountains at home.” 

“Right. Ok, I can find somewhere else. Lemme see...” Killua put down his tea and flipped through the glossy little book in front of him. After a few minutes he asked,“Beaches ok?” 

“Oooh yes that sounds like fun.” 

“Alright, Umi Machi it is then.” 

“This is so exciting, Big Brother. You can teach me how to swim!” Killua felt a surge of satisfaction as she said this. Her freedom was secured for the time being, and they could enjoy it together. He turned back to the book, **Beautiful beaches! Spectacular sunshine! Spend your next holiday at Umi Machi!** , it said. He usually thought that kind of stuff was pretty lame, but with the toll this ordeal had taken on him, he doubted he had the energy for anything more exciting. Noticing that Palm had finally put down her fork, he dogeared the page he’d been reading and slurped up the rest of his tea. 

“Let’s go,” he said as he grabbed an uneaten slice of bread off the table, “We can feed the ducks.” 

“Yes!” Alluka exclaimed, jumping up and grabbing his hand. “Come to the pond with us,” she said, looking at Ikalgo and Palm. They exchanged uncomfortable glances. They had quite a lot to do that afternoon, but they were hesitant to refuse her. 

“I don’t think ...” Palm began. 

“They’re going home today, Alluka.” Palm looked to Killua, grateful to him for intervening. His sister was very sweet but, having seen the extent of her powers, Palm was wary of her. Ikalgo felt the same apprehension, but still, he couldn’t help but be endeared by the little girl. He suctioned his hand to hers and said, 

“I’ll walk with you, but I can’t stay long.”

Crowds of people strolled along the winding paths of the city park. Bushes of colorful flowers added a subtle sweet aroma to the air as their petals twirled with the gentle breeze. A swarm of gray ducks, fattened by the generosity of previous tourists, raced each other to peck at the chunks of bread being thrown into the pond. Killua sat on a stone bench by the water, watching over Alluka as she fed them. Her full skirt swayed around her as she ran happily along the water’s edge. Suddenly, he sensed a presence drawing towards them. As it grew nearer he turned around and saw.... “Hisoka!?”

“Well, would you look who it is,” Hisoka said with a coy smile. “And you,” he said, looking over at Alluka with a glimmer in his eyes, “Illumi told me aaaall about you.” 

“What do you want?” Killua demanded. 

“Oh nothing really, I’m simply out for a stroll.” Killua was on edge, _there’s no way this was a coincidence._ Hisoka shot another annoying little smile in his direction and continued, “But since you’re asking, what can you tell me about little Gon?” _Ugh, of course._

“Gon is none of your business!” Killua said, irritated. “And besides, he’s still in the hospital so it’s not like you can bother him or anyth-” 

“Oh no, you misunderstand me. I have no interest in seeing Gon right now. I’d just like to know what happened. From what I’ve heard, it sounds like he got a little...” Hisoka paused for a deep inhale, “...excited.” Killua bristled, his annoyance swelling inside of him.

“Get lost.” 

“Come on now, don’t be like that. I’m just curious, I heard he spent a life’s worth of Nen on a single punch.”

“That’s not true,” Killua mumbled. He remembered being in the dark forest that night, enveloped in the glow of Gon’s savage aura, as vividly as if he were standing there now. His heart started pounding. Images of Gon’s monstrous body, his severed arm, and the pain in his eyes flashed through Killua’s mind. He started sweating. 

“So he was able to maintain it then? Well, that _is_ impressive. It must have been marvelous,” Hisoka sighed. 

“Bastard, you’re making jokes!?” Killua was shaking now, “He almost DIED!” As his anger spiked, he felt a jolt of electricity. If Hisoka kept talking about Gon, he wouldn’t be able to restrain himself.

“No, no jokes. I always said he’d make a wonderful fighter one day. It’s just a shame I wasn’t there to see it,” Hisoka pursed his lips, “OoOoh I can just imagine the look on his face... mmm...” Hisoka paused, and for a moment seemed far away, but he composed himself and continued, “He’s absolutely dazzling to watch. His aura almost shines, don’t you agree?” With that, Killua’s anger turned to shock. His fists unclenched and he looked up at Hisoka with widened eyes. A supreme feeling of discomfort overtook him. His skin crawled, because he knew exactly what Hisoka was talking about. He’d felt it too. Gon did have a sparkle about him. He radiated warmth, winning over even his enemies. Ruthless, yet wide eyed and innocent; he was charming. And he was strong. “So...” Hisoka whispered mischievously, “how was it?” 

“H-he...” Killua’s lip trembled “He gave it everything.” 

“I see. Such a pity, to throw away all that potential.” 

A strange feeling grew in Killua just then as he remembered a blood stained Gon collapsing into his arms. Despite the sunlit ambiance of the park, he felt himself surrounded by shadows; floating somewhere between the past and the present. He saw his dearest friend as a ferocious beast, mercilessly thrashing Pitou’s disfigured corpse against the rocky ground. Gon’s muscular body emanated a rage and sadness so powerful it shook even the trees. The air, so thick with bloodlust that it was hard to breathe, whipped around them with tornado-like force; propelled by his formidable aura. The massacre had been brutal, disturbingly so. However, as a grand display of raw power, it was spectacular. And, in admitting this, Killua felt disgusted with himself. 

Later that evening Gon awoke from a nap to find Leorio by his side. As Gon rubbed his eyes Leorio asked, “How ya doing bud?” 

“Fine,” Gon replied sleepily. 

“Palm and the others are heading home. They had some business to take care of with the Hunter’s Association, so they asked me to say goodbye,” Leorio explained. 

“Even Morel?” Gon asked.

“Yes, even Morel,” Leorio replied. “And I have to get back to studying,” he continued, taking Gon’s hand in his. “So I’ll be leaving tonight too.” Gon tried to hold back his tears. He didn’t want them to go. Though he was too upset to show it, he had appreciated them being there for him.

“Fine,” Gon said. Then he slumped back onto his pillow, and the two of them sat in silence. 

A while later, the door swung open, and Alluka came skipping into the room. “Gon!” she exclaimed. Killua, still uneasy after his encounter with Hisoka, shuffled in behind her. Not wanting to appear weak, Gon snatched his hand back from Leorio. “We’ve decided where we’re going!” 

“Yeah, Umi Machi,” said Killua. 

“Ok,” Gon replied flatly. 

“There are beaches!” Alluka added. Her eyes turned black as she climbed up onto his bed. After healing him, Nanika had grown very attached. Gon, grateful for any form of comfort, put his arms around her and pulled her into a tight embrace. As she snuggled her head into his shoulder he noted: _she smells like Killua_. 

“We can go fishing,” Killua offered tentatively. He waited for a moment, but Gon did not respond. “If you don’t like it we can go somewhere else-”

“I SAID OK.” 

“Ok.”

They had all grown accustomed to this treatment since Gon had been hospitalized. Killua was trying to be understanding, given the incident with Ging, but it still hurt. 


	2. Chapter 2

Part 4 

Alluka, Killua, and Gon sat with their backs against a large window,on the cold tile floor of the Swardani airport, snacking on the chips and candies laid out in front of them. With the cold glass against his back, Gon was uncomfortable. He also had a sinking feeling in his stomach. This was it, they were really leaving. Though he knew it was unrealistic, a small part of him had hoped that Ging would change his mind and come visit him. But, once they left Swardani there would be no chance of that. “He really doesn’t want to see me,” Gon said dejectedly. 

“Uh-” Killua was not prepared to have this conversation. In lieu of a response he offered his friend a chocolate robot and a firm pat on the back. For a while, none of them spoke. Killua crunched on his chips and Alluka played with a toy from her Kinder Surprise. Gon watched as the people walked by; pulling their suitcases behind them. The draft sneaking in through the window made Gon’s teeth chatter. He shivered. Killua, noticing this, picked his own jacket up off the floor. He handed it to Gon. 

“Huh!? Oh, thanks,” Gon said as he slid his arms through the sleeves.  _ Why did he sound so surprised?,  _ Killua thought self-consciously,  _ it’s obvious he’s cold.  _ Gon pulled the jacket tightly around him; relaxing into the warmth. No longer distracted by the chill, his mind began to wander. He had passed the Hunter’s exam. That had been his plan for as long as he could remember. And he’d gotten the experience he’d always wanted: the chance to understand for himself the excitement of being a Hunter. He’d had a lot of fun, but it had also been hell. In the end though, it had all been for nothing. What was he to do now? He was directionless. 

“What am I supposed to do after this?” Gon said, thinking out loud, “I don’t have any other plans.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Killua replied, “You can just stick with us until you find something you really wanna do.” Gon was confronting some existential issues and this answer did not appease him. The more he thought about it, the more irritated he became. 

“But I wanted to become a Hunter to find my dad!” Gon whined. His face was getting red now. He crossed his arms.  _ Oh no,  _ thought Killua. He could sense what type of mood was developing. “And he doesn’t even want to see me.”

“Come on, Baka,” Killua said, elbowing him gently, “don’t think like that. We’re gonna have fun, you can figure things out later.”

This greatly irritated Gon, but he couldn't quite figure out why. In the hospital he had become restless. He was itching for some excitement, some adventure. He had been engulfed in feelings of loss for too long. He craved a sense of purpose. Though he was glad to be spending time with his friends the truth was that a vacation was not what he wanted. “I have NOTHING. Absolutely nothing I want to do,” he said with a frown. 

Killua understood. This reminded him of a conversation he’d had with his older brother a while back,  _ ‘There is nothing you desire, nor is there anything that you wish for’  _ Illumi said. And it was true that he had felt that way for most of his life. “Don’t worry,” Killua said, “You’ll find something you’re interested in.” And he meant it, in all the time they’d known each other, Gon had been working towards a singular goal; and his determination was admirable. Even in the face of death he’d never considered giving up the search for his father. That steadfastness doesn’t just disappear; it’s in his nature. Sure, Ging’s rejection had stung, but he would not be broken forever. “Something else will come along that you’ll want just as much.”

“Ugh,” Gon sighed. Killua slumped against the glass. He was tired of seeing his friend like this. Gon had been gloomy for too long, but Killua knew there was nothing he could say that would make him any happier. 

“All I wanted was GING,” Gon cried, halfheartedly banging his fists on the floor. Killua felt a heaviness descend upon him. Though unwelcome, the exchange with Illumi continued to play in his mind.  _ ‘There really isn’t anything is there?...  _ **_’_ ** __ Gon laid down flat on his back, covering face with his hands. Killua’s fists clenched as the conversation went on in his head. In the back of his mind he heard himself say:  _ I wanna be friends with Gon.  _ “GIIIIIING!” Gon wailed, then he started sobbing. 

Gon gasped for breath in between his sobs. He wanted to get ahold of himself but, with the powerful current of emotion running through him, he knew he didn’t stand a chance. Though he did manage to sit back up. After a few minutes, the tears stopped flowing. But he remained frustrated. He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of Killua’s jacket. Possessed by anger and sadness, he breathed heavily. 

“Ging is... Ging is, well....” Killua didn’t know what to say. What consolation could be offered in a situation like this? He felt a weight on his chest and, as he tried to find the right words, he grew nervous. It was clear that his friend was hurting, but Killua had no idea how to comfort him. Unsure of himself, he looked at the ground, and began to sweat. He was shy in situations like this. “... just forget about him, ok,” Killua regretted it as soon as he’d said it. Whatever Gon needed to hear, that definitely wasn’t it. 

“Forget about him?” Gon asked incredulously. He could not believe what he was hearing. Forget about him? How could he. 

“Yeah just, just, forget about him,” Killua stammered. “It’s not like you can change anything.”

“Forget about him?” Gon repeated, whispering in disbelief. All his life, the only father he’d had was the one he’d dreamt up in his head. For twelve long years, he’d clung to the hope of one day seeing the man in the photograph come to life. And when he finally did .... “It’s not that easy.”

“Come on, Baka. If he doesn’t want to see you it’s his loss,” Killua had a feeling he was making things worse. 

“Killua,” Gon began.  _ ‘I don’t think I’ll be able to really.... spend any time with you now, or in the future,’  _ The first conversation he’d had with his father would probably also be the last. This thought devastated Gon. His face felt hot, and his emotions flared even more. “You don’t understand,” Gon’s heart ripped open as he said sadly, “you have a family.”

Alluka’s eyes widened as she thought of her years locked up in the cold stone fortress that was the Zoldyck mansion, and of the family who’d tried to have her killed.  _ No Gon, YOU don’t understand  _ . Killua, meanwhile, was thinking of Gon’s aunt Mito and her warm smile; recalling the countless hugs he’d seen them share. He was sure there’d been no shortage of love and affection in Gon’s home. “How can you be so ungrateful?” he snapped. 

“Ungrateful!?” Gon was shocked. What was Killua talking about? The image of Kite’s lifeless body flashed through his mind. The corpse of his father’s friend, reanimated, pulled by invisible strings. The scars on his waxy skin. His long white hair hanging, matted, over his empty eyes. Gone, and it was all Gon’s fault. Ging’s words rang in his ears as well, ‘ _ I’m a busy man.’  _ And the memory of his father turning away from him was fresh in his mind. ‘  _ Good to meet you though,’  _ and he was gone. The grief was overwhelming; not to mention the fact that just a few weeks ago he’d been on the brink of death himself. Death, rejection, weakness, “What am I supposed to be grateful for!?” Gon was losing control of himself once again “I’VE LOST EVERYTHING,” he screamed. 

People were staring now. The passersby looked on; some giving dirty looks, some concerned. Alluka returned their glances nervously, but neither boy seemed to notice.

“Everything?” Killua asked, surprised.  _ But I’m standing right here.  _

“Kite, and Ging, and-” There was something else. Something that Gon had been trying not to think about. His Nen. Since waking up in the hospital, the very thought of summoning aura exhausted him. Worried, he had attempted Ten, but it had only made him dizzy. Feeling for his aura nodes made his entire body sore. He wanted to practice, but he wasn’t even sure he could do it anymore. Yet another disappointment. Without Nen he was just a 12 year old boy with a fishing pole again. It chilled him to the bone to think that all his Nen may have been spent. He would just be a little boy with no fighting skills, and no father. He’d be right back where he started; as if he’d never left Whale Island. He could not stand this “-IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS ANYWAYS-” he shouted. 

“Wha-?” Killua was confused, and he was growing increasingly concerned. He struggled to think of some way to help his desperate friend. But he knew that nothing he could say would satisfy Gon. Killua berated himself; he was useless. He knew Gon was lashing out because he was upset but, deep down, Killua wondered if he really meant it. Not being able to help Gon when he needed it brought him an indescribable sadness, but no tears reached his eyes. Instead, they collected in the dark space inside of him where his anger and his sadness lived; the sorrow of the moment adding a new layer to his lifetime of hurt. 

Killua showed no outward reaction to Gon’s distress, and it pissed Gon off.  _ He really must not understand,  _ Gon thought. He was erupting, and Killua was just sitting there, wearing the same stoic expression he always did.  _ How can he be so calm?  _ Gon’s emotions were raging inside him like a hurricane. He felt that no amount of screaming and crying would be enough to accurately express the extent of his despair, but Killua was showing him nothing. Gon was jealous,  _ it must be nice to be so carefree all the time  _ , he thought. He wanted his friend to comfort him, to be concerned for him, or at least offer a little sympathy. He didn’t want to feel alone in his pain. “-SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY DON’T CARE.” 

“Gon, I-” Killua started. But he didn’t know where he was going with this. Killua did care for Gon, very much so. Had everything he’d done for him not expressed that? Gon had always seemed to him like a ray of sunshine, and Killua had done his best to deserve him. But, it seemed it had not been enough. ' _ You’re simply not qualified to have friends.’  _ So, he guessed, he really was useless. 

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, YOU DIDN’T LOSE ANYONE!” Gon went on.

And Killua couldn’t take it anymore. “FINE!” he bellowed. He was transported back to that dimly lit forest, on the night of Pitou’s death. He could still see Gon’s imposing figure shrink to a weak emaciated form as he fell, unconscious, to the ground. He remembered carrying his friend’s limp body on his back, not knowing if he was alive or dead. Gon laying in the hospital, plugged into a mess of tubes and machines, his skin shriveled like a dried fruit. He had barely been more than a skeleton. Gon hadn’t died that night, but he had come close. And his childish innocence was lost, he would never be the same.

Killua’s hair stood straight up, spirals of electric blue light running through it. He slammed his hands on the ground. Did Gon not know what his own life was worth? Did he not realize what he meant to Killua? Or did he just not care? “Fine,” Killua growled. As he leapt to his feet his fingernails extended, sharp as knives. His back arched, and as he stared down at Gon, he shook with anger. 

The other travelers were uncomfortable now. They got chills down their spines as an ominous feeling filled the air. Though there was no visible change, they felt as though they were standing in a fog; Killua’s rage filled the room. It was heavy and cold, like the air in the moments before a thunderstorm. 

Gon was shocked. Killua glared down at him.  _ Where did all this anger come from?  _ Gon wondered, just moments ago he had seemed so aloof. Killua’s eyes darkened to a deep violet as he snarled “If that’s how you feel...” Though Gon had seen Killua murder people with his bare hands, he had never been afraid of him before. The person who stood before him now was not the Killua he knew, but a terrifying assassin. As his friend hunched over him, teeth bared like an animal’s, Gon’s hands began to tremble. 

“Killua?” He said, speaking quietly now. 

Killua was so furious he could hardly see. He wanted to say more, but he was tangled in a web of emotions that he did not have the words to describe. And for this he was frustrated with himself on top of everything else. “I DON’T CARE!?” He shouted. His mind turned back to the Hunter’s Exam. To the moment when he’d spotted a kid with a little yellow backpack running ahead of him. The day that he had made his first friend.  _ NO,  _ he pushed it out of his mind. The happiest moment of his life now felt like a dagger to the heart. “If that’s how you feel,” he could barely get the words out, his whole body was quaking. He could barely breathe. He was so overwhelmed, angry white spots appeared before his eyes. He could no longer see Gon in front of him, but he could hear his words ringing in his head,  _ ‘I’VE LOST EVERYTHING’  _ he’d said.  _ ‘I’VE LOST EVERYTHING.’  _

“If that’s how you feel then fine.” Killua said in a low, flat voice that was somehow more frightening than a yell. He grabbed Alluka by the arm, pulling her to her feet, and stormed away.

“Gon!” Alluka cried out, as her brother dragged her behind him. But Killua did not look back.


	3. Chapter 3

Part 5

Gon was left sitting in shock. Though hours had passed, he remained in the same spot, leaning against the large window. A line of airships was visible through the glass behind him, appearing monstrous and dark against the setting sun. The room was full with the hustle and bustle of other travelers. Frenzied parents, their arms full of bags, pulling their children behind them. Business people clutching their briefcases, speaking into their phones as they rushed to their gates. Groups of young people in disheveled clothes, giant packs on their backs, discussing their next destination. But none of them were of any interest to Gon.

Killua’s dramatic exit continued to run through his head. He dissected it endlessly, but he still could not figure out what had made Killua so mad. Sure, Gon had been shouting at him, but it was just one of his moods. He thought Killua understood that; it had never seemed to bother him before. His best friend, always so level headed, had transformed in an instant; and it had shaken Gon to his very core. Aside from his surprise and his confusion, Gon felt nothing. His body was numb. His heart felt like dead weight in his chest. And his mind was all but blank. He hadn’t thought it possible to feel this empty. Gon shivered, he was still wrapped in Killua’s thick purple jacket, but it couldn’t protect him from the cold he felt inside. 

A plump woman with a friendly round face approached him. “Little boy, are you alright?” She asked him kindly, “Where are your parents?”

Though she meant well, that was the worst thing she could have said to him. “I DON’T KNOW!” he shot back, aggressively smacking the floor with his fist. She could not quite pin down the look in his eyes. It was too piercing to be sadness, but too vulnerable to be anger. Whatever it was, it was intense, and it scared her. Somehow, she felt that this young boy was dangerous. 

She excused herself with a meek “Ok.” And backed away slowly, giving him a forced smile. As soon as she turned around though, she took off in a sprint.  _ Everyone’s running away from me,  _ Gon thought, as he finally rose to his feet. He headed to the service counter and bought a ticket to the only place he could think to go: Whale Island. 

Mito was ecstatic to have him back. He seemed to have recovered to full health, and she was so relieved that she would not have to worry about him and his antics any longer. But the relief did not last. It became very apparent that Gon had not, in fact, recovered. He was still very much affected by all he had been through. 

Though he was physically there, he seemed far away. He wandered the house with vacant eyes. Completely lost in his own mind, he often walked right into walls or furniture, then carried on as if he hadn’t even noticed. He spent most of his days simply sitting by the edge of the water, fishing pole in hand, but he didn’t even bother to drop it in. He just sat. He spent his nights rolling restlessly in his sleep, getting tangled in his sheets as he thrashed his legs. Grandma and Mito were often awoken by cries of “KITE!!” or “Ging!” and occasionally something a little lower, that they couldn’t quite make out. It sounded something like, “Everything.... everything.” 

“It’s best to just let him be,” Grandma instructed Mito, “You know how he is, he’ll get through his feelings in his own way.” Mito was not so sure. She desperately wanted to shower Gon in kisses. To hold him in a hug he couldn’t escape from, so he never had the chance to get hurt again. “The best thing we can do for him is give him space.” And Mito had to admit she had a point. Gon, stubborn as he was, would not take kindly to being babied. So, Mito reluctantly held back. She tried to support him in other ways: making his favorite foods, leaving little candies and toys around the house for him to find; any little thing she could think to do to make his world a bit brighter. 

Gon took no notice of this. He was wading through a dark pool of melancholy; his own memories threatening to drown him. It was not only Ging and Kite that ran through his mind now. Vivid memories of battles and beasts, danger and death also took root there. Memories came back to him in flashes, as detailed and striking as if he were living through them again. Killua’s mangled hands, his own severed arms, the many many times he had faced certain death. He was stupefied by all the moments he’d thought  _ this is the end,  _ and carried on anyway. These powerful memories beleaguered him constantly. They seemed to suck the life right out of him. They scooped out his insides and fed on his very blood. His heart was so empty, he was sure it had left him too. And why not? All that was good was gone. Not even his cheerful smile visited him anymore.

As bad as he felt, he knew it could get worse. So, he barred one thing from his mind, and one thing alone: Killua. He was struggling to keep his head above water as it was, but  _ Killua,  _ with the weight of that loss alone he would surely sink. He had given up wondering what had gone wrong. It wouldn’t make a difference anyway. He tried to apply the advice Killua had given him about Ging,  _ ‘just forget about him’  _

He tried. But it was impossible to keep him out of mind completely; at night he allowed himself to reminisce. As he lay outside gazing at the stars, his friend always came to mind. It made him nauseous. In thinking of their separation, he felt so insubstantial. But he was comforted by the night sky. As he lay there in the darkness he felt sure that Killua was the moon. A calm pale figure lighting up the night; oscillating between a full bright exuberance and a slim crescent, sinking meekly into the shadows. There was pain and there was sadness, but at least the moon would be there, outshining all the stars. Gon felt safe as he basked in its demure glow. 

He often wished that daytime would never come. The moon faded away only to be replaced by a light that shone too brightly. The sun’s happy yellow glow was unbefitting of his dim mood. In the daylight, all the peace of the night wore off and the battle returned. Somehow both chaos and numbness lived inside him at once. His mind stumbled over terrible thoughts; jumping out at him aggressively and without warning. The emotions they brought on were so intense that they disturbed even his breathing. He found himself feeling so much that he felt nothing at all.

Part 6

Killua sat in the golden sunlight, his feet resting in the damp sand at the ocean’s edge. The waves rolled in and out, grazing his toes as they did. He didn’t have much of anything on his mind. He was just taking in the beauty of the deep blue water. “Big Brother, look!” Alluka called out to him excitedly. He looked over at her and his heart skipped. Her skin was pink, so dark in some places that it was almost red. He jumped up and ran over to her, stopping on the way to grab a small white bottle from his bag. 

“Alluka, I told you,” He said, concerned, “You have to be more careful.” 

“I’m sorry Big Brother, I was having so much fun I didn’t notice,” Alluka replied. Though it must have hurt, she smiled as he rubbed the sunscreen on her face. Just being with her brother filled her with joy, no matter the circumstances. “But look!” she repeated, pointing over to the collection of carefully constructed mounds of sand she had been working on all morning. 

Killua smiled patiently as she gave him a tour of her sandcastle village. “And this is the toy shop, and this one’s the school,” she went on and on, proudly pointing out every detail. “And this is where you and I live!” She said, finally pointing to the largest sandcastle at the center of the town. 

“But what about this one?” Killua asked, gesturing towards the only house she had not addressed; a slightly crooked little building right next to theirs. 

Alluka suddenly looked nervous. “That house is for....” she trailed off, turning her big blue eyes away from him, her face full of guilt. 

“Oh,” Killua said, realizing. He inhaled deeply then blew the air out in a loud sigh. He reached out and gave her a pat on the head. Although it pained him, he said, “It’s ok, Alluka. You can talk about him if you want to.” Now he was the guilty one. He felt horrible because, until that moment, he had not considered that Gon had been Alluka’s first friend too. They shared a moment of awkward silence. He opened his mouth to speak, but she beat him to it. 

“I’m going to find some seashells,” she said quickly, then she scampered away. Killua sighed yet again. The past two weeks in this small seaside town had been some of the happiest of his life. For the first time there was no killing, no fighting, no overbearing family. He’d assumed it would be a bit boring, but instead, he discovered peace. He’d had no idea it was possible to be so content with nothing to do. Just sitting in the sun and being with Alluka, it turned out, was more than enough for him. 

But it seemed as though he could never find a happiness that was truly pure. Throughout their trip, despite all the fun they’d been having, something somber stood between the two of them. They hadn’t talked about what happened at the airport, though he knew it had upset her. It upset him too. It upset him, greatly in fact, but he couldn’t bring it up. He had nothing to say. He could not explain what he’d done. Why had he gotten so angry? In an instant he had become a puppet, commanded by rage, and he’d walked away from his best friend; without even saying goodbye. 

He was surprised at himself but, more than that, he was ashamed of what he’d done next.

_ Killua zipped through the Swardini airport dragging Alluka behind him. Without realizing it, he was running at the speed of lightning; bumping into crowds of bewildered travelers who couldn’t see him coming. When they arrived at their gate his heart was still pounding. With his heartbeat in his ears, he paced in circles, getting more worked up as he went. Gon’s words replayed loudly in his mind, disorienting him. ‘IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS ANYWAYS,’ What does that even mean? Had he not been by Gon’s side through everything?  _

_ He ran up to the nearest trash can and gave it a mighty kick. The force of this blow bent the metal bin nearly in half, and sent it flying across the room. People screamed and ducked out of the way as it went soaring through the air. It flew over the service counter, the snack carts, and the waiting area; raining garbage as it went.  _

_ “Sir!” The woman behind the counter put her hands on her hips, “We will not tolerate that type of behavior in here.” Killua’s head whipped around and, as he fixed his eyes on her, she knew she’d made a mistake. Before she could even blink he was up on the counter; his fingernails deep in her neck. Then he turned, now completely out of his mind, ready to cut down the next person he saw. His anger was so immense there was no room in him for anything else. Possessed by rage, he was heartless and savage, the perfect assassin.  _

As he thought back on it now, the sunlight felt far away. He had indeed slaughtered three more people that day, and he would’ve kept going if Nanika hadn’t stepped in. He regretted it, of course, but more than anything he was guilty that his little sister had seen him that way. He felt the shame wriggling in his stomach like a pile of worms. He had also ripped Alluka away from Gon, whom he knew she cared for very much. He wished he could offer her some apology or explanation, but he could come up with none. He had nothing to say. 

Why had he left Gon? He was always very emotional, Killua was used to it, and his temper had been no worse than usual that day. But something about it had felt different.  _ ‘I’ve lost EVERYTHING!’  _ Gon said, and that had hurt. It hurt, but Killua could take it. Gon was his friend. He'd brought kindness into his world. He'd brought a warmth that soothed Killua’s frostbitten heart. In a way, Killua felt he owed Gon his life, and he was happy to give it. So why was he hurt? He had no right to feel this way. He would do anything for Gon. After all, complete surrender was a small price to pay for a little bit of happiness. Right? 

He still had the same anger in him, accompanied by so many other emotions he couldn’t name them all, but he was ignoring all that. For what felt like the thousandth time, he thought of the night Pitou died. Gon had left him, his friend, his teammate, to walk towards death alone. _Maybe Gon’s the one who doesn’t care,_ Killua thought. After all, he had made it clear, _‘All I wanted was GING!’_ Killua built up his steel walls once more. Just forget about him. And with that, he stood and made his way to Alluka. As long he had her he could keep pretending to be ok. 


	4. Chapter 4

Part 7

Gon sat in the forest, wallowing in his distress, by the Foxbear’s den. The exact spot where Kite had saved him many years ago. But when Kite needed it, Gon couldn’t return the favor. He was wounded by this truth. So he sat, waiting for the Foxbears to arrive. Maybe if he let one attack him now, he and Kite would be even. He waited patiently, but none came. 

Later that afternoon Mito was carrying the laundry down her freshly vacuumed hallway when she heard a strange noise. She paused outside of Gon’s room to listen, and she heard what she was sure were little yelps of pain. 

“Ow, ow... OW,” Just barely audible through the sturdy wooden door. “AAaaahh aah OUCH!” Then she thought she heard him crying. Worried, she waited for Gon to head off to his bath, then she poked her head into his room. She was absolutely repulsed by what she saw. There was a purple jacket sprawled on the ground. Beside it, the electrical outlet had been pried off the wall. Exposed wires stuck out in every direction. He wasn’t .... 

This was too much. After dinner, she sat him down on the couch. “Gon,” she said. “I can’t stand to see you like this. You, you ...” She didn’t know what else to say. Taking his hand in hers, she looked into his eyes. Her little boy, dead inside. “You can’t go on like this. Sulking around all day, it’s not healthy.” 

Tears began to drip from his eyes, though they still displayed no emotion. “I’m sorry Aunt Mito-” he began. 

“No, no my dear, don’t be sorry.” She stroked his back lovingly, “I’d just like to see you smile again. What can we do to make you feel better?” Gon had no idea. “What is it you need?” 

There it was, the question he had no answer to. He shook his head. “I don’t, I don’t knoooow,” and his tears turned from a drip to a stream. He clung to her. He began to scream. “I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW,” It felt good to finally let his emotions out again. He shook, kicked, and punched the pillows. Now that it was bubbling up, everything flowed out at once. Every disturbing memory that had been on his mind, every danger, every injury, every opponent. 

Aunt Mito was shocked, but she tried to keep a straight face for him. When he was done with his tantrum, she took him into her arms. She’d known being a hunter could be dangerous, but she had no idea it had been that bad. That was enough misery for a lifetime. It was too much for anyone to handle, especially a child. “How...” she was still trying to hide her dismay, “how did you survive it?” 

Gon sniffled and wiped his eyes. He knew the answer immediately, and a small spark of determination ignited within him. “I need to see him again.” 

Aunt Mito felt as though she had been kicked in the chest.  _ No. Please no.  _ “Gon.” She was taken to a place she had never been. She was caught in a rainstorm. She was on the end of a cliff. She was on the brink of a breakdown of her own. She had never been so aghast. Her child had already been hurt, and he wanted  _ more?  _ Her veil lifted; she started to hyperventilate . How could he do this to himself? What could she say? What could she do? “Gon,” she said, tears flowing from her eyes, “don’t even think that.” 

“Yes Aunt Mito, this is what I need!” and as he said this, he sat up straighter. 

“No Gon, you can’t, I won’t let you.” He hadn’t been himself since he’d arrived home, and this?  _ This  _ is what brought him back to life? “Gon-” she started but, with all the pain and desperation caught in her throat, she couldn’t say any more. 

“I’m going to do it, Aunt Mito! I’m going to look for him again!” As the fire came back to his eyes she knew all hope was lost. No matter what she said, Gon would do whatever he wanted, he always did. 

What had she done wrong? She’d known he was naive but, this? This was  _ dangerous  _ . He was completely destroyed, and  _ wanted  _ to walk back into agony again? “Gon, you shouldn’t leave home, you’re in no state-”

“I’m doing it Aunt Mito! I’ll get back to him, whatever it takes,” Gon was smiling now, he’d found his purpose once again. 

It killed her to see him smiling over something like this. “No Gon. You won’t. You’re not going anywhere.” She knew she couldn’t stop him, but she had to try. “Ging has made it perfectly clear that-”

“No, not Ging,” He interrupted, “Killua!” 

_ Oh, thank God,  _ she thought,  _ that’s so much better.  _ She was awash with relief but still.... “Gon, please be reasonable about this. You don’t even know where he is, he could be anywhere by now.” 

“But I know where he was going! Umi Machi, that's where I'll start.” He felt much lighter now. He was on a mission.  _ I want to be friends with Killua!  _ He needed to see him, in person, at least one more time. He needed an explanation, and he wanted his friend.


	5. Chapter 5

Part 8

Gon panted as he walked the long dirt path from the airport into town. Buses and cabs sped easily by him. But he, having spent most of his money on the airship ticket there, could not pay the fare. So, he walked. He spent the better part of two days trudging slowly along through the dirt, eyes fixed on the cluster of buildings ahead of him. 

Finally, he arrived. Quaint wooden houses and gift shops lined either side of the main street. There were plenty of hotels and inns too, each with a cute hand painted sign displaying names like: **Home Away From Home** , or, **Betty’s Bed & Breakfast** . Sailboats bobbed on the rippling water in the distance. A flock of seagulls soared overhead, their caws mingling with the gentle _swoosh_ of the summer breeze. _Fantastic!_ Thought Gon, breathing in the salty air. He had finally made it to Umi Machi. The plan was to find Killua but, as it turned out, that was not much of a plan. 

Exhausted from the trek, he swayed where he stood. He was drained, in every sense of the word. The thought of finding Killua had ignited a small spark of determination in Gon, but he was still just a shadow of his old optimistic self. 

He found a shady spot underneath a tree on a hill overlooking the ocean. His eyes glazed over while his lips set themselves in a thin straight line. As he sat staring blindly into the distance the reality of the situation began to sink in. Aunt Mito was right, Killua could be anywhere. There was no way of knowing whether he was still in town, or where he’d go if he wasn’t. Gon had no place to stay, and very little money. He should have listened to his aunt; he should have been reasonable. _Darn it!_ He cursed himself. Why did he always have to be so hasty? Why could he never think things through? 

Hanging his head, he pulled out his phone to take the obvious first step. **Are you still in Umi Machi? I need to talk to you** he texted Killua. But, judging by Killua’s mood at their last encounter, Gon was sure he wouldn’t answer. His impatience swelled inside of him, he couldn’t bear living with this mystery. Why? Why had Killua gotten so mad? And why couldn’t they have just had a conversation about it? They were best friends after all. 

They were best friends and yet, Gon could not think of another time he’d seen Killua angry. He raised his voice, sure, and he’d gotten frustrated plenty of times. Plus he was always calling Gon an idiot, but it was never anything serious. There was never any rage. No, his friend was perpetually level headed. But that day at the airport it was serious, very serious. Gon shuddered at the memory of Killua’s ice cold aura, the way it blew through the terminal like a menacing wind; like a frigid hand that pinched him, wrenching goosebumps out of his smooth tan skin. 

Aunt Mito’s voice played in the back of his mind ‘ _if you want to get to know someone, find out what makes them angry.’_ Was it possible that after all this time, all the adventures, all the fun, and all the hardships, Gon didn’t know Killua at all? The thought was simply too heavy to hold in his head. Gon let his shoulders slump. His eyelids fell shut and his muscles relaxed against the tree. Before he knew it he had drifted off, and the worrisome questions slipped away. 

He rose with the sun the next morning, taking a moment to appreciate the way the soft golden light sliced the clouds. Then it was down to business. He grabbed his phone from his pocket. Nothing. He wasn’t surprised. _Fine,_ he thought, rubbing his knuckles across his eyes. He would just have to do this the hard way. 

He knocked on as many shopkeeper’s doors as he could that day, inquiring at hotels and beach resorts as well; asking anyone who would listen if they had seen a white haired boy and a little girl. He was grateful for Killua’s unusual appearance, not many people are so thoroughly pale, so that should make him memorable at least.

“Excuse me, have you seen a boy about my age with white hair?”

“No, sorry kid.” 

“He’d have blue eyes and be with a little girl. A brunette. Have you seen them?” 

“Not that I can recall, sorry” 

“Excuse me, I’m looking for my friend. Have you seen...”

“Excuse me, have you seen...”

“Excuse me, have you seen...” 

This went on all day, but no one had any information on the siblings. Defeated, he returned to his position at the base of the tree to rest again. Little did he know, Killua and Alluka had left Umi Machi just three days prior. 

The next day he did the same; and the next, and the next. He asked anyone and anywhere he could, paying particular attention to the hotels and inns. But, still no luck. 

On his fifth day in Umi Machi he woke up to warm raindrops slapping against his skin. His clothes were heavy and damp, cargo shorts sticking to his thighs, and his spiky hair flattened smooth against his forehead. As he shivered he let out a deep sigh. If there was one thing the rain couldn’t dampen, though, it was his resolve. So he headed on to the task ahead; his wet green boots squeaking all the way. 

_Grrrrrr_ groaned his stomach as he approached the docks. He tried to ignore it, but it only served to remind him that his reserve of packed food was low, and his supply of money was even lower. Reality weighed heavily upon him, draining his energy. Even his posture was dour. He walked with his shoulders slumped forward and his head hanging so low his chin nearly grazed his sternum. The foul mood he had been in since his meeting with Ging was now tinged with something darker. 

There was a heavy feeling in his chest, constricting at times, as if his heart were encased in a tight black box. This sensation made it hard to breath; the simple act of inhaling impeded by the burden in his chest. Along with his jagged breaths he had a tugging feeling in the back of his mind. Something unsettling, a feeling that seemed to say ‘you’re in danger’ when he was perfectly fine and ‘you’re missing something’ when he clearly wasn’t. It was in this state of insecurity and unidentifiable loss that he roamed the town; wandering through a cloud of his own misery, with only a faint glimmer of hope to light his way. He didn’t recognize it, but what he was feeling was loneliness; and with each negative response it got worse. 

He spent the better part of the morning on the docks asking the sailors and fishermen for information, but to no avail. Finally, he thought he’d better head back to the center of town. He pulled his phone out of his pocket as he sulked up the hill. He knew full well there would be no answer. His phone hadn’t made a buzz since he’d arrived and, last time he checked his message, Killua hadn’t even read it. Gon’s chest tightened even further. 

He heard a cry of “No! No, Please don’t!” Distracted from his gloom, he scanned the surroundings with bleary eyes. Disoriented by the fog in his mind, he hadn’t realized he’d already walked so far into town. “No! No!” it continued. At last he spotted it’s source, a little old lady with thin white hair pulled into a tight bun at the back of her neck. She stood in a shadowy alleyway. Her pink shawl slid down her shoulders as she struggled to maintain her grip on her purse. 

The bag was being tugged by a dark haired man who towered over her menacingly, his muscles bulging through the thin fabric of his shirt. All he did was laugh as he ripped the bag out of her grip. 

“You want it back? No problem. Here,” he said, holding the purse up far above her head. _Childish,_ Gon thought, and he charged forward. He was enraged by the cruelty, of course, but also grateful for a distraction from his fruitless endeavors; it would be nice to punch something. 

Mud squelched under his boots, splashing upwards to paint the sides of his legs as he ran. As he approached, the stature of the dark haired bully came into full view. He was at least three times Gon’s height, broad shouldered, and built like a brick wall. No matter, Gon thought, _I’ve definitely been up against worse._

“Hey!” Gon yelled, “Cut it out, that’s just mean!” Gon continued yelling as he ran towards the man, but as his adrenaline rose, he could no longer register his own words. The anticipation of a fight lit his body with a satisfying rush; he hadn’t felt like this in a while. 

As soon as he was in arm’s reach he jumped at the man. Gon sent a fist towards his face without a moment of hesitation. Then another to the stomach. The man let out a surprised _oof_ as it connected, but soon recovered from the shock. 

“Oh you must think you’re pretty tough, huh, kid?” With a smirk, he took a shot at Gon’s face. It landed with a crunch. The blow threw Gon backwards. He tasted blood in his mouth. Though he was still pretty quick on his feet, Gon was nowhere near as strong as he once was, and without his Nen.... it would soon become clear that this was a losing battle. 

Smack. The man caught him on the side of the head. Gon jumped back and spun around to give him a kick to his side. Unphased, the man came at him again, again, and again; raining vicious punches down on the boy. 

Gon swerved and dodged. He crouched to avoid an oncoming assault. But, _whack,_ he was hit anyway. He made one successful dodge, then attempted a counter attack, but his feeble punches seemed to have no effect on the man. Gon ran up the wall of the adjacent building, then leapt to attack the man from above. He still had the agility of a graceful Leopard Monkey, but his endurance was wearing thin. 

_Slap,_ his cheek stung with a strike from the back of the man’s hand. While Gon was disoriented, the man plowed a fist into his stomach. Taking advantage of Gon stumbling backward, the man pushed him. He kicked the boy as he fell to the ground. Again and again he kicked him, the man was unrelenting, but Gon struggled upwards. On shaky legs he threw out a fist in the man’s direction, but he missed. The attacks kept coming. Gon crouched and spit up blood, but could have no respite from the man’s attacks. Gon saw the knuckles approaching his face, then _crack_ , everything went black. 

Part 9

The next thing Gon registered was a sliver of white light, as sharp and straight as a knife’s edge. It was the only light cutting through the darkness that encompassed him. In fact, it was the only thing visible at all. He seemed to be floating, pitch blackness surrounding him on every side. Then the light disappeared, and he was left completely adrift in a deep black void. 

After some time he became aware of a slimy feeling beneath him. He was certain that he was laying on something but he could see nothing, and in this blackened vacuum, it seemed impossible that anything could exist at all. The strip of white light appeared before him again, but this time it stirred something in his mind. As he labored to form a coherent thought, he realized the reason for the darkness. His eyes were closed. He blinked them open slowly and soon the full magnitude of the white light was revealed. He was staring up at the moon. 

He lay still for a long while, completely numb; the only thing that felt real was the sky above him. As he took in the beauty of the stars, and their luminous leader, he began to come to his senses. 

The first thing he felt was a throbbing in his head, followed by a sting across his lip, and another on his arm. Although, the pain that hit him next was the worst by far. It felt like a fire ravaging the left side of his stomach. Now that he was regaining sensation, he became aware that even breathing hurt. Every inhale was a painful swell and each exhale, a knife in his side. Splayed out uncomfortably on the ground, Gon came to realize that he was not just laying in slime, but water too. Half his body was submerged in a dirty puddle; his backpack and the underside of his clothes completely soaked. 

Still quite groggy, it took him a moment to get his thoughts in order. Finally, it dawned on him that he should probably stand up. He dropped his hands into the puddle, pushing on the muddy ground for leverage, and pushed himself up. Before even making it to a seated position, the pain in his left side flared. The pain was too great to be confined to his just body, it surrounded him as white and green spots sprayed throughout his vision. Everything in his eyeline twisted and spun into an unrecognizable blur. He lay back down panting, taking a moment to recover from his dizziness before trying again. He could do it. He was Gon Freecs, he could do anything he wanted, if he could just muster the willpower. 

On the next push he managed to sit up completely, but as he braced his legs to stand, the pain held him back once more. _I can do this,_ he thought, _I can do this._ But he didn’t even try because, truthfully, what was the point? Even if he could stand up, he realized, he had nowhere to go. But he had to get out of the puddle at least, so he resigned himself to dragging his body across the ground. Still seated, he scooted through the mud. When he finally reached the building on the side of the alley, he leaned back against the wall. 

His head was spinning. He was nauseous. He sat with his head down and his eyes shut. After a moment of this, he began wrestling with his backpack, managing to pull it off after some struggle. The contents were, of course, drenched. His socks, underwear, extra cargo shorts, everything. The water had even gotten into some of his remaining food; his stale sandwiches and half eaten granola bars now soggy and disintegrating. Despite the pain, he hugged his knees to his chest. Warm tears gushed from his eyes, cascading down his bruised face. He didn’t bother to wipe them away, it would make no difference, he was already soaked. 

Each sob shook his body, disturbing his injuries, and it felt as though he was being punched from the inside out. _I’m so stuuuuupid,_ he chastised himself, _I’m so weak, soooo weak._ Wallowing in his pity and feeling completely alone, Gon took Killua’s jacket from his backpack. He unrolled it and wrapped it around himself like a blanket. It was soaking wet and provided no warmth. But Gon’s expert nose could still pick up the faintest hint of his best friend’s scent, and that was some comfort.

_KILLUA!_

Frantically Gon dug through his bag for his phone. It too was dripping wet. He felt a panic coming on. He whipped the phone open and... its dim blue light greeted him. _Yes! YES!_ The panic was over before it started. Gon let out a sigh of relief, silently blessing Leorio for his extravagant taste, The Beatle was indestructible. **Killua?** Gon typed with trembling fingers. **Killua please, I need to see you. I just want to talk.**

As he caressed the phone in his hands, he looked once again to the sky. The night was cold and lonely, but at least the moon was with him, however far away it felt.


	6. Chapter 6

  
  


Part 10

As the sun rose the next morning, so did Gon; he dug his feet into the ground and slid upwards, leaning all of his weight against the wall. “Uuaagh,” he groaned, clutching his side. “Ooh ooh, ow ow ow!” He lurched forward, his head was spinning again. He saw stars. He took a few tentative steps, unsure if he would be able to keep himself upright without the support of the wall. 

After finally building up the strength, Gon headed off, staggering down the street. He walked slowly, hunched over, keeping his eyes partly closed to combat his dizziness. He spent the morning talking to passersby. 

“Excuse me, ow, sorry, um have you seen a white haired boy around here anywhere?” he said to anyone who would listen. He received a lot of no’s and a lot of dirty looks. Most people backed away as soon as he approached them. He understood why; he was doubled over, nearly grunting with the pain, and entirely caked in mud. It had dried to a brown crust over his legs and down his back. There were large clumps of dried mud throughout his hair too, glueing the strands together so they stuck out in odd directions. 

In all honesty he knew his inquiries would lead him nowhere, Killua and Alluka were probably long gone by now, but he didn’t know what else to do. There must be someone who remembered them. He was sure he could find some clue to where they’d gone, if only he knew where to look. 

Afternoon rolled around and he climbed the steps of a place called  **The Oceanview Inn** , one of the few establishments he had yet to visit. His legs shook as he pushed open the door, stumbling through the entryway, he let himself rest against the front desk. He was getting lightheaded now, and he clung to the wooden counter to anchor himself against the spinning room. 

“Are you alright? Hey, little boy, can you hear me? Are you alright?” It was a woman’s voice; gentle, but concerned. 

“I’m- ow OW,” Gon clutched his side, “I’m fine. I’m just looking for someone, have you seen-”

“Are you looking for your parents, dear? Do you need me to call someone?” 

“No, Aaagh, no. I’m looking for my friend. He was on vacation here. I’m not sure when he left, a week or two ago, maybe. Or longer, I don’t know, but have you s-” 

“Darling, I don’t know a thing about your friend, but I really think you should get home to your parents.”

“My parents aren’t around here, it’s just me. But Miss, please, I really need to know. This is really important, he’s about my height, he has white hair, and he was traveling with his sister. She’s -”

“You’re all by yourself?” She asked, troubled by the news. She took Gon’s arm and wrapped it around her waist. “Lean on me, dear. Do you think you can walk?” Gon was feeling quite woozy, and his vision was going in and out, but he nodded and leaned his weight against her. 

She led him out and around the inn to a side door. Through which there was a tall, narrow staircase leading up to a cozy apartment. Getting Gon up the stairs took some maneuvering, but they managed. She walked him to the living room, and gently helped him to the couch. It was a small place, full of shabby furniture, and quite cramped. But it was warm, and it had a comfortable feel. 

Family photos lined the floral wallpaper, and an assortment of beautiful sea shells were displayed on each window sill. Adjacent to the living room was a tiny kitchen full of colorful cookery, with a small wooden table and chairs squeezed into the far corner. Along the other wall there were three doors, each a bit crooked on their hinges, covered in a sea blue shade of faded, peeling paint. 

The woman wasted no time in running him a hot bath; laying out fresh sheets on the guest bed as he soaked. After he’d washed the mud off himself, she insisted on tending to his wounds. She cleaned the cuts on his lip and arm, then inspected his bruised face. 

He was hunched over and clutching his left side the whole time. She lifted his shirt to assess the injury, and when she saw it, the color left her face. Gon looked down, he hadn’t actually checked it out yet. It did look pretty gnarly. His ribcage was badly bruised, a purple and crimson mark stretched from his side nearly to the middle of his stomach; from the underarm to the belly button in length. Gon curiously pressed a finger to it, which he regretted immediately. His entire body curled up in pain, and that made the pain even worse. He winced. “Ooooow ow ow,” he squashed his eyes shut and wrinkled his nose. 

“It looks like you may have broken a rib. I think you might have a concussion as well.” She bit her lip. “You should really go to a doctor.” 

“I would, but I don’t have any money.” 

“Hhhm, well I don’t have much to spare either I’m afraid,” Distressed, she ran a hand through her greying hair. “I supposed there isn’t much they could do anyway, the only thing that can fix a broken rib is time. Just try to get some rest. The guest bedroom is through there,” she said, pointing towards the door, “I’ll get these clothes cleaned up, you let me know if there’s anything else you need washed.” 

Gon had a wonderful sleep that night, snuggled up in the warm blankets. When he woke the next morning he lay very still. He kept his eyes squeezed shut for a moment, trying to stay in his pleasant dream for a while longer. He and Killua laughed and played, running happily through Gon’s subconscious mind. He sighed. He’d dreamt that they’d been on Whale Island, sitting in his room after a long day of fun, looking out the window together at the stars. As a shooting star flashed through his dream, he’d wished that he and Killua would stay together forever. 

For a moment he was tempted to let himself believe that it had been real, and that the throbbing rib and swollen lip he woke up to was simply a nightmare. But no, he left the bed, and the creak of the floorboards beneath his feet grounded him firmly in reality. 

The smell of sizzling bacon greeted him as he entered the kitchen. His mouth watered, and his stomach growled immediately at the scent. 

“Good morning,” the woman said as she set a plate down on the table. 

“Morning.” 

“I thought you might like some pancakes,” she said, gesturing for him to sit down. “You look like you could use a good meal.” 

“Wow thank you, um...” 

“You can call me Miss Maie.”

“Thanks so much, Miss Maie! I’m Gon by the way,” He said, his mouth already stuffed with pancakes. 

“So, Gon,” she sat across from him. “You said you’re looking for your friend?”

“Yes! My friend Killua. He’s my best best friend, but we had a fight. So, I need to find him and make it right.” 

“I see.”

“Yeah, he’s really pale with white hair, have you seen anyone like that?” He scratched his head, “wait, did I ask you that already?”

“No, dear. I haven’t seen anyone like that. A child with white hair, that’s a bit strange isn’t it?” Gon shrugged and shoveled more pancakes into his mouth. 

“I guess so. But he’s really awesome. I miss him a lot.” Caught between swallowing his food and letting out a small sigh, Gon choked on his pancake. 

“Here, darling,” Maie said, offering him a steaming mug. “This is my special blend,” she said, as he cleared his throat with the tea. “Made with herbs from the dunes. They should help with the pain.”

Cough. “Thank you.”

“So this friend of yours, sounds like you have no idea where he is, isn’t that right?” Gon nodded. 

“He was planning to travel around with his sister but... that’s all I know” 

“Well then,” Maie said gently, “maybe it would be best to go home to your parents. You shouldn’t be out on your own, especially not like this.” She gestured to his purple eye and split lip. 

“NO. I can’t do that,” he crossed his arms. “Killua won’t reply to my texts, and he won’t ever go home to his family. So, if I don’t follow his trail, there’ll be no way to find him!” From the determination on his face she could see there was no point in arguing. 

“Fine, if it’s really that important to you. But you’re not going anywhere today, you need to rest.” 

“Fine.” 

Gon spent the rest of the day on the couch, his eyes closed, half napping and half thinking. Thinking about how he’d gotten his ass beat in what should have been an easy fight. Thinking about how weak he’d become. Wondering what would’ve happened if Kite was still alive. Gon would still have his Nen, and all the strength he’d trained so hard for. What would he be doing right now, if things were different?

That evening Maie returned and cooked up some salted fish and potatoes. They chatted through dinner, and continued over tea afterwards. Gon was detailing his adventures as a hunter, and Maie was spellbound. 

“And that’s when Killua and I reached the 200th floor! We had to do a lot of training though because-”

“Oh yes, I almost forgot! Here,” Maie took two shiny brochures out of her pocket and pressed them into Gon’s hands. “We keep these at the front desk for the guests. I thought they might be helpful for finding your friend.”

Both brochures were bright blue. One featured a cartoon picture of a man with binoculars on the front page, and bright yellow lettering at the top which read:  **Trek Well Nature Tours:** **See some of the most rare and spectacular species the continent has to offer** .  The other displayed a cartoon airplane and the words,  **Umi Machi Travel Agency** . 

“These are the two travel agencies in town. There are a couple tourist offices that organize trips as well, but these are the most popular. If your friend wanted to keep traveling from here, I’ll bet he made plans with one of them,” she explained.

“REALLY!?” Gon nearly jumped out of his chair, and probably would have if his aching ribs hadn’t stopped him. His honey colored eyes lit up with gold, and the glee from his budding smile spread over his face. 

“Well hold on now, we don’t know anything for sure. Could be nothing. I just thought it’d be a good place to look.” Maie cautioned. When Gon finally did manage to pull himself out of the chair, he wrapped his arms around Maie in a tight hug. At this proximity she noticed there was a strange heat radiating from him. He had a warm, enthusiastic energy about him and, although it wasn’t visible, it seemed to glow somehow. It confused her, yet she couldn’t help but smile as Gon’s excitement surrounded them both. 

Part 11

After coming up short at the first agency, Gon headed towards Trek Well Nature Tours. Butterflies filled his stomach as he placed his hand on the doorknob. Whatever was behind that door could change everything. This could be his last chance. If he found nothing here, he thought, there would be no real hope of finding Killua. 

Upon entering he came face to face with a disheveled old man napping in his chair behind a small wooden desk. The place was tiny. There was only enough room for the desk and two plastic chairs along the wall by the door, and even then it felt cramped. 

“Excuse me.” Gon said quietly, unsure if he should wake the man. “Sir?” he continued, a little louder this time. 

“Huh,” The man jolted awake, “Oh uh yes hello, how can I help ya?” he said with a yawn. 

“I'm uh, I’m looking for a friend of mine. I think he might’ve signed up for one of your tours, I don’t know how long ago but-” The man snorted. 

“Ya think I’m a detective or somethin?” he yawned again. “I give tickets, I take money, and I don’t give much of a fuck beyond that.” The man’s customer service skills were subpar to say the least. 

“But I bet you’d remember him,” Gon said, “he has white hair! And big blue eyes, kinda pointy like a cat’s.” A look of recognition crossed the man’s face. 

“Ah yeah, pale kid?” Gon’s heart exploded, his eyebrows shot up, he felt he was soaring ten feet above the floor. 

“YOU’VE SEEN HIM!?” he belted. The energy in the room lifted. The lights seemed brighter. A gentle warmth rolled against the man’s skin. It felt as if the sun itself was rising in the room with them, casting it’s rays upon the cheap furniture and shabby tile floor. The man had never felt such a pleasant sensation in his life, but still,  _ this kid’s fuckin weird.  _

“Yeah. Bratty kid,” he grumbled. “Girl too.” 

“YES! YEEESS!!” Gon rushed to the desk. He slammed his hands down on it, and leaned forward with unbridled excitement. “Where did they go? Do you know where they went!?” 

“Ugh,” The man let out a sigh of annoyance. “Fine, what’s his name?” 

“KILLUA! Killua Zoldyck,” anticipation coursed through Gon’s body like an electric current. The man pulled a stack of wrinkled papers out of his desk drawer. 

“Let’s see,” he licked his fingers to shuffle through them. “Was a week and a bit ago I think” 

“Wait, really?” Gon’s excitement faltered a little as he realized,  _ I must’ve just missed them.  _

“Mhm. Ok, Z, Z, Z... yup, Zoldyck, there it is.” he said, jabbing the bottom of the paper with his pinky finger. “Beetle and bird watching tour, heading North.”

“ REALLY!? How many stops are there? Where would they be by now?” 

“Fulla questions today aren’t ya?” 

“Pleeeeeeeeeease.” 

“Ugh. Hard to say. Takes maybe four or five days to the first stop. But that’s without the woodsy stuff. That’s the point of the trip innit? Go slow to look at the birds and shit. Do a bitta camping. Considerin that, I’d give em maybe a week to make the first town. Stop there, do some tourist shit, then keep goin is how it is.” 

Gon was absolutely elated, but at the same time he found it hard to picture the Zoldyck siblings on a camping trip. Especially Killua, who was never very fond of anything nature related. But, he guessed, it was smart. The middle of the woods is probably the last place Illumi would think to look as well. 

“So they’d be there now! Where’s the first town? How long will they stay?” 

“God yer a pain.”

“Come on, pleeease! I really need to know, it’s important!”

“Doubt it.” The man rolled his eyes but continued, “All depends. First town’s the nicest so maybe a week or so. After that it’s pretty villagey. Coupla houses, lotsa dirt, that typa thing. Not much to see so they cut the tourist shit after that, focus on the animals. Just stoppin in the towns for supplies and that.” 

“So they’d still be there!? They’re there now! I want to book a tour, I need to leave now. Right now.”

“Ha! Can’t do that kid. Next tour leaves in a month.” 

“A MONTH!?” 

“Yup. Takes time to organize. Needa get a group together too. Can’t run a tour for one person. Not worth it.” 

“But, but, I really need to catch up to them,” Gon said, “I have to leave  _ now. _ ” 

“Well that’s a bit too bad innit,” said the man, who clearly did not care in the slightest. “Now get on out. Need my beauty sleep.” 

“Fine, I’ll get there myself! Can you give me a map?” 

“Ha!” The man looked genuinely amused. “Whatcha gonna do, walk there?” The wrinkles around his eyes deepened as he let out a throaty chuckle. “Take ya twice as long on foot, and ya couldn’t make it there if ya tried.” While still looking very amused, the man let out another yawn. “Ha! Map won’t help ya kid. See ya next month.” With that he closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair. 

“I can do it, I’m really good with outdoors stuff! I grew up on an island and-”

“Ya could be the best navigator this side of the ocean and ya still wouldn’t make it. From Umi Machi to Cuidad it’s all goblin territory. Trees like to move on ya, wind spins yer compass just to confuse ya, it’s fun for em. Ground shifts too, but real slick like, ya wouldn’t even notice it. They’d have ya all turned around before ya even got goin. Map won’t help ya, only a goblin can find its way out there”

“But-” 

“No buts kid, that’s how it is. Find yerself a goblin or wait a month. That’s all I got for ya. Now get out.” 

Gon, predictably, would not be put off so easily. The next morning he showed up at the agency again. 

“Ah Christ, not you again. Whadya want this time?” 

“I need to find my friends.”

“Oh, has it been a month already?” The man looked around in mock surprise, “that was quick.” They glared at each other as Gon took a seat on one of the flimsy plastic chairs. He sat and crossed his arms, refusing to move for the rest of the day. 

The next day was the same. He sat in the office from open to close, simply staring across the desk. The man spent most of the day sleeping, waking only to answer the phone, and he ignored Gon the whole time. 

Gon returned the next morning as well. “Ya can’t get enough of me, huh?” And they resumed their silent routine from the previous day. For hours, Gon stared intensely at the man, barely blinking. Yet again there was a strange energy filling the room. It was less warm this time, and it seemed to make the atmosphere heavier, but Gon didn’t notice.

The air itself weighed on the man and, rather than oxygen, it was as if he were inhaling pure urgency into his lungs. Despite having nothing to do but nap, he felt a pressing sense of concern creeping under his skin. It was pushing into him from somewhere outside himself and, as he looked at Gon, he thought he saw that exact same feeling in his eyes. 

_ Well this little idiot can’t control the air,  _ he thought to himself. But, with Gon’s eyes boring into him, he was unsettled nonetheless. “Fine.” The man said, “Come back tomorrow. Might have a goblin for ya.” 

“Really!?” Gon leapt out of his seat. “Thank you, thank you, thank yooooouuuu!!” 

“I said  _ might _ . Might know a guy headed that way.” 

“Yes, YES! Thank you!” 

“Alright, alright. Keep yer head on. Might be headin that way. Might not want a desperate little shit taggin along.” 

Gon beamed, “I’ll see you tomorrow!” 


End file.
